I realized I haven’t live-blogged a movie since I live Tweeted “Fifty Shades of Grey.” So I decided to watch “Splash!” and record my thoughts. Maybe I’ll regret this in the morning. Hopefully it won’t hurt my brand.
Going to record my reactions to “Splash!”, a movie I loved as a kid. When I was eight, I wanted to be a mermaid very badly.
Ron Howard made this?
I wonder what font that is.
This was made in 1984?
I like how they made the water and font shimmer.
There are barely any women involved in the making of this film. Just Hannah? Was she the only woman on set the whole time? I hope she was treated well.
I can’t get over these outfits in the flashback.
The Tom Hanks kid looks like Fred Savage.
I think he probably jumped overboard because of the boring party.
My god, at one point I wanted to make a mermaid movie, and was swimming around in long underwear trying to use it as a tail. Dear Jesus.
Oh, don’t cry little mermaid. He’ll be back in your life.
Oh, the Twin Towers.
Don’t they have any Asian people working at this fruit import? That seems unrealistic.
Snails with stems?
Oh my god, Tom Hanks is a child. Was Colin alive yet?
John Candy- RIP.
Penthouse letters are the best.
Oh my god, no women.
Wow, NYC doesn’t seem to have any black people. I guess this is a Hollywood movie. I mean, really.
When does someone say, “bocce balls?”
Oh yes, the secretary. And the fish tank.
Oh, a head injury joke. I’ve made a few of those lately.
Look at all this subtle ocean imagery.
Who is Jerry?
I also have a system on my desk. Don’t touch it.
Who is Victoria? Oh yeah, his lady has to leave so that he will be available for Daryl Hannah.
Wow, 80s fashion was BAD in some cases.
John Candy would be arrested now for looking up women’s skirts.
There has to be some nice fashion in the 1980s.
Wow, John Candy is a total perv in this movie. I never got that when I was child. Or maybe I did.
I’ve never had pretzels stuck to my face like that.
Wow, those shoulder pads.
Have we seen any Canadians yet? I haven’t seen anyone.
A tooth in the school play? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that.
He met the mermaid in Cape Cod? Well, as good a place as any.
New York is pretty damn amazing.
That would be some cab ride. Eugene Levy isn’t Canadian is he? Or just an honorary Canadian? I can never remember.
The what twins?
Wow, there really aren’t any women in this movie. And Levy still has his amazing brows.
Hanks doesn’t have a life jacket on the boat. And of course, the dude can’t swim.
What is this, Life of Pi? Get a fricking life jacket.
Oh, is that a sizeist joke now?
They’re peeing in the hose now? What?
I can write better stuff then this.
Duck, avoid that stupid boat!!
Save him, Daryl.
I had no idea that Cape Cod could be so tropical looking.
I guess he’s hallucinating. He thinks he sees a blonde babe in the bush.
Oh yeah, her name is Madison. Madison the mermaid.
Nope, I only speak mermaid.
Damn, Daryl. Looking good.
Well, that was fast.
I still don’t know how they made that mermaid tail.
Do they only show Daryl’s butt in this?
It looks peaceful down there.
Of course, she has underwater maps. And let’s look up New York.
I guess if she’d just returned his wallet, this movie would have no plot.
Oh, another head injury.
Oh yes, the bra outside the shirt.
Symbolizes naked women every where… Great!
Did she crimp her hair?
Oh, Daryl. You look confused.
This ain’t California?
Wow, this is a male fantasy movie. There are few women in it.
How many NYC hats are in this movie?
(Takes break to go get some grape flavoured candies)
Okay, I’m back. That was a good walk to the store.
Is everyone straight in this movie?
Wow, lots of kissing.
I can’t wait until this movie is made with Channing Tatum as the mermaid.
I loved that spinning doorway bit.
Man, lots of lip biting? Did she take lessons from Anastasia in 50 shades?
Wow, now this is a male fantasy.
I hope Daryl didn’t get paid per spoken word for this movie.
How much sex did they have?
I think I liked Tom Hanks better as a comic actor.
Not in front of the Teamsters?
Not enough POC in this movie to suit my tastes.
She looks good in a suit.
Is her first word really Bloomingdale’s? I guess it is.
Lots of synthesizer.
How is she paying for all this?
Annie Hall is the best.
So is that green.
Look at those tvs.
What was that dance move? The ball step?
Richard Simmons? Jazzercise?
Male gazey much?
Oh the tvs are going to break now.
I remember that article that Brad Yung referred to on how you can tell that a dolphin wants to have sex with you.
The Outsiders is playing? Stay gold, Pony boy, stay gold.
Just tell him you’re a mermaid already. Finally, some more Black people.
What’s that? You’re like a toddler.
Well, my book is better than this.
Madison is not a name? Tell that to tons of little girls.
Oh, Tom. Little did you know that you’d end up doing the Da Vinci code.
Okay, so she has six days? It’s like she’s a werewolf.
Oh, this bath tub scene. I had to leave the room when this happened. The skin freaked me out.
Just regular table salt? Shouldn’t that be fair trade?
Are you combing your hair with a thingamabob?
That tail effect is still cool.
Thank god, I can finally relax.
I bet she felt worse than Leo after he made the Titanic. She was probably waterlogged. No, I guess Leo had it worse.
Wow, everyone is very skinny in this film.
I didn’t understand all the innuendo in this film, but now I do. Cripes.
So we’re back to the naked woman at the statue of Liberty?
I’ve never seen a full episode of Bonanza. Honest.
I don’t understand that necklace.
(okay, it’s pj time for me now).
Well, I’m in my jams, have brushed my teeth and cleaned up my house a little bit. Time to continue this watch.
Sure, give the woman without any legs a dancing thinger.
I forget the words too…
Said the word, “mermaid.” She’s trying to figure out the word!!
Who is supposed to be the President? Is that a beaver in the change room?
Oh, the racquetball scene. Who smokes and plays racquetball?
Tom, those are some short shorts. I guess it was the 80s.
Gotta love those extras in the squash scene.
Oh, look an Asian extra. And she doesn’t speak.
Has this film passed the Bechdel test? Probably not.
Well, a Sikh. Finally.
Some of Daryl’s outfits look pretty damn comfortable. And no, you can’t lift a statue like that.
Aw, they’re in love. Nice. Finally. I’ve always been a romantic.
I love those lamps. (I love lamp).
And no female scientists ever…. ZZZZZZZZ.
Oh, Eugene, no. That’s so cruel.
Did someone get that idea from “The Wizard of Oz?”
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this movie.
Well, I’ve always loved immigrant stories. And mermaid stories too.
Wow, she mastered her legs awful fast. Skating too?
As if people would be concerned about them at all. This is NYC.
Oh, he popped the question!
Oh, watch the old people skate. Everyone wants to be them now and spend their lives together.
Tom. Don’t be so bitter and mean.
Running barefoot in NYC is probably not a good idea. Pay for the skates.
Oh no, it’s raining.
Does sweat count as moisture? Probably not, if it’s her own.
I’ll jump into the water now. I need to save myself from the horrific president of 2017.
Are those espadrilles?
Yes I’ll marry you now. Even though I’m a mermaid.
Lots of stairs. Neat visual effect.
I thought the Statue of Liberty would be bigger. I was disappointed when I saw it in real life.
Pastels were really in in the 1980s, if I remember correctly.
Is that guy supposed to be Italian?
Well, there’s a sheikh in the crowd too.
Eugeny Levy kisses the hose.
And there’s a Black woman. I’m sure there’s been a few, but you know, I don’t think they speak either.
No rando would be allowed in this dinner without tons of security. He should say he’s a journalist.
God, can someone come and do my lipstick like Madison’s? Flawless.
I feel really upset by this moment. If this happened now, she’d be trending in seconds.
Was that her underwear flapping around her tail?
Get those cameras out of her face!! Poor girl. Hanks, help her!
Well, an Asian female scientist and she spoke. She said, “no change.”
And Hanks is in the water with his area covered.
Oh, the Asian woman got to say, “Fine. Jim?”
How dehumanizing. Feeling sorry for Madison.
Did you know movies do better when they have diverse casts? This movie didn’t.
Now I feel sad for Hanks.
Gotta love that 80s station wagon.
Another Asian woman. As a news caster.
I love Candy’s coat. But who wouldn’t?
Another Penthouse joke.
Ted Turner called? And Marineland?
More fish imagery.
Oh, you love each other. Give it up.
“Nobody said love’s perfect.”
This is truly a modern fairy tale.
I wonder what Colin thinks of this movie.
That’s some blood scan.
You’re making her ill, Eugene Levy. Stop the torture.
Sadistic pig. Yep. We should bring that phrase back.
Unicorns are big now. I’m sure someone can find one.
I don’t think the Sikh man got to utter a word.
Nice brows, Eugene.
I met Jason Biggs once in Chapters. This was post American Pie. He bought Jon Krakauer’s “Under the banner of heaven.”
Hanks to the rescue!!
What a week you’re having?
Go get her, you two!!
In the American Museum of Natural History? I wish I’d gone there.
The Stockholm institute?
He actually said, “Hej.”
They do look Swedish, I guess.
I was mistaken for a Swede. Anyone can be Swedish.
Come on Candy. Let’s save the girl.
God, that hair. That’s got to be a wig.
I don’t know the proper spelling of Allan. That’s why I haven’t used it.
I keep on wanting to make a dick joke. I mean, this movie invites them.
Nice move, Levy.
They’re calling in the nukes now! A popular 80s fear.
Here is Candy pretending to fish.
And of course they call the military. Nothing like the Canadian military.
Why is she sitting up? People are going to find you.
All this fuss for one mermaid? Get a job, boys.
How many limbs is Levy going to break? Don’t get killed.
You just got a kiss from a mermaid.
Well, at least Levy wasn’t killed.
Another black man gets to speak. He’s in the military.
Well, you better learn how to swim now, Hanks.
He can’t come back? I don’t think I could handle that. I mean, that’s a lot to give up.
Doesn’t she have a family?
How did this movie get made? It would be good on that podcast.
I think they just threw a Barbie doll off the deck for that shot.
Now the Coast Guard is there? Go find Spiderman or something.
This kiss of life. Now you can breathe underwater.
And make out.
I’m not sure what just happened. Did Tom bite that guy on the leg?
Oh, it’s Allen.
It looks positively tropical down there. I don’t think these fish live in NYC.
Who was the scientist on this film?
Dr. Fujimoto!! She has a name.
I wonder which parts were filmed in LA?
And the Bahamas?
Rated it on Netflix. Five stars for nostalgia.